The topic for this week is outtakes. I recently submitted a manuscript to my editor and during the editing stage, I decided I needed to do some radical surgery. Painful though it was, I snipped off the first five chapters and discarded them. Here’s an excerpt from part of my original first chapter where Ryman Coppersmith, the hero is fleeing for his life.
A streetlamp flickered off and on, letting out a faint hiss and a lilac flash of illumination. When Ry cautiously rounded a corner, the chill wind stirred his hair, pulling more black strands from his queue, tugged his shirtsleeves down over tanned forearms. The glimpse of a redcoat brought his heart lurching up his throat. Ry hurried in the opposite direction, heading to the river. The narrow street appeared residential, the crooked wooden buildings in disrepair with missing timbers and windowpanes. Like the other streets, rubbish choked the broken cobblestones and festering, smelly drains and puddles were a danger to unwary pedestrians. Most of the windows remained dark but Ry sensed watchful eyes.
“Mister, fancy a tumble? I’ll treat ya real good.”
“Fukk.” Ry backed up rapidly until the wall of a house stopped retreat, his heart lurching in alarm.
The woman tossed her head and grinned. One front tooth was missing. “Yeah, mister. That’s wot I said. Wanna fukk?” She thrust out full breasts for his inspection and fluttered her lashes at him. “A big handsome gent like you. I’m right partial to raven black hair and pretty green eyes.” She shivered. “I can imagine your hair loose, falling around your shoulders while we fukk.”
Not even on a good day, lady. Ry inhaled deeply and immediately wished he hadn’t. Place stunk to high heavens. “No, thank you.” He turned to walk away before halting abruptly. “Would you help me with these cuffs? I’ll pay you.”
The woman cocked her head, eyes narrowing in suspicion. “How much?”
“I’ll give you my pocket watch. It’s golden metal.” Thankfully, the prison guards hadn’t stolen it earlier, leaving him something to bargain with.
“Not syn?”
“It’s real.” Ry jerked his head toward the golden chain attached to his waistcoat pocket. “Check for yourself.” Worry pummeled him at her caution, and he stilled, waiting for her decision. Heck, he understood her wariness but the woman was a trollop. She lived a life full of risk, especially in a location like this. Impatience and desperation finally loosened his tongue. “You were willing to fukk me. How is removing the cuffs any different?”
“Just is. I can see the muscle under the clothes. Ye could hurt me, if ye had a mind.” The woman sniffed and wiped the back of her hand across her nose. She looked him up and down, and he could practically hear her weigh up the risk. “Throw in your waistcoat and it’s a deal.”
“You drive a hard bargain.”
“Keep the cuffs then. Tis all the same to me.” With another sniff, she turned away.
“Wait. The watch and the waistcoat. They’re yours.”
To read other Snippet Saturday posts follow the links below:
Cynthia Eden
Victoria Janssen
Lauren Dane
Leah Braemel
McKenna Jeffries
Moira Rogers
Sylvia Day
Vivian Arend
Mark Henry
Shelley Munro
Jaci Burton
Mandy Roth
Eliza Gayle
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Nice snippet, very intriguing
by Debby June 13th, 2009 at 3:36 amThanks, Debby!
by Shelley Munro June 13th, 2009 at 3:55 am[...] Victoria Janssen Lauren Dane Leah Braemel McKenna Jeffries Moira Rogers Vivian Arend Mark Henry Shelley Munro Jaci Burton Mandy Roth Eliza Gayle If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to the RSS [...]
by Outtake | S y l v i a D a y | The Official Website - Blog June 13th, 2009 at 4:02 amWell gosh, if this is what you cut, I can’t wait to read the chapter you decided to start off with!!!
by Christina Phillips June 13th, 2009 at 4:30 amgreat outtake – wow on deleting the 1st five chapters!
by Pam S June 13th, 2009 at 8:45 amThanks, Christina. I’m hoping my editor thinks so too.
Pam – it’s always painful cutting hard-fought-for words. In this case it was for the best though!
by Shelley Munro June 13th, 2009 at 10:50 pm